Tell Us Something About Your Church!
In an effort to stay connected to our reader(s), Swirlypine wants to get to know more about the church you attend. We want to stay connected to you. We have developed a list of 10 (ten) simple questions that can let our reader(s) both share with us about their places of worship, and at the same time provide ideas to other possible reader(s)to take to their own church body.
1) What Denomination is it?
Helpful Hint: That is what they used to call a church's relationship to other churches based on some basic doctrinal originality and similarities that do not fall out of orthodoxy. If you don't know what this means please skip this question or just put who your favorite CCM artist is. We can figure it out from there. If you don't know what CCM means then this piece is far too sarcastic for you and you are better off just going back to www.acquirethefire.com where you came from.
2) Who is your famous member?
Helpful Hint: Any local famous person is a welcome here. Or please state how many degrees of separation would that person be from that Christian guy from that 80's sitcom with that Alan somebody and that girl who always gets anorexia.
3) Why is/was he/she famous?
Helpful Hint: Anything. Just give us anything.
4) Architectural Style?
Helpful Hint: If it is an industrial building please state either concrete tilt up (pre or post Trammel Crow), or cinder block construction. Please indicate whether your church building is media-centric (no windows) or media-subordinate (with windows). And, please indicate whether your pastoral office suite is located separate from the other staff offices with its own shower, back door, and private security. Please note, if you answer “Yes” to the pastoral office suite question your pastor, is, was or will soon be caught having an extra marital affair. We can find help for you on that too. Just email us.
5) Do you have to be baptized to be saved?
Helpful Hint: Ask your pastor or team leader what that means.
6) Does your hair have to stick up to be saved?
7) Do you know what being saved is? Do you know what you might be saved from pending you know if you need to be saved?
8) What was the name of your church before it was renamed?
Helpful Hint: For example, Bob may first go to a church that is named "Springfield First Baptist", then, later after getting a market study done by the George Barna group, the name was changed to "Pick Up Hot Babes Here Community Church".
9) Is it really not about you or can it be just a little bit about you but not quite enough about you so that you would be able to work with any of the future curriculums that Rick Warren will be sending your way in the next several years?
And, finally ...
10) Would the phrase ... "With every head bowed and every knee bent" sound familiar to you?
Helpful Hint: That is not a sexual position or twister move used on Wednesday night fellowship.
11) Don't think, just respond: Paul and Jan (old school) or Matt Crouch and his Hot Wife (new generation) ?
Thanks for taking the time. God bless, and we will let you know the results shortly.
Swirlypine
posted by swirlypine at 1:31 PM
6 Comments:
My Church: Calvary Church of Santa Ana
1) Non-Denominational, of course.
2& 3 combined) two famous members, they cancel eachother out: Dr. David Hocking (famous for 1994 incident) and Dr. Louis Feinberg (famous for being a theological anchor in a swirly non-denom sea)
4) all non-denominational churches have neo-colonial facades, but ours is extra special because it lacks any type of architectural integrity; they are on a mission to concrete over every last planter and turf area...
5) You don't have to be baptized to be saved, you just can't be saved without being baptized. Its very simple.
6) We weren't allowed to make our hair stick up, so we are saved from bad hair, and from eternal damnation.
7) Swirlypine, you need to read the four spiritual laws. I am saved from being on the chair in my circle and the bubbles are all organized neatly around Christ who is seated on the throne.
8) Current Name - Calvary Church of Santa Ana; Future Name - Super Happy Lucky Church of Korea. Its only a matter of time, those darn Korean evangelicals are takin' over the world,.
9) Its not about me, but I think it is sometimes when I get fed up with my church and go to Rick Warren's church because the worship is better.
10) You can't look around when they give the alter call because if you do, you might see that the youth pastor is lying when he keeps saying "I see that hand...yes...yes...yes" What he really means is that he sees your hand sitting in your lap not raising it up to be saved, but it sounds like everyone else is getting saved again so you better raise your hand too or you'll be the only one not getting saved, which would be really embarrassing so you raise your hand only to find out that every one else was looking around and that you are actually the only one with your eyes closed raising your hand and so you have to go up afterward and pray with someone you already know while John Talbert is outside picking up on the girls that are already saved and so they are freed up to experiment.
11) Matt Crouch, stupid. Not Paul Jr, he's the tech guy, no stage presence.
11:46 PM
Brent Geisberg has some real issues.
7:51 PM
Brent Geisberg rules. Is he Jewish or German? You know Jesus was Jewish don't you? And, get this, Martin Luther was German and he didn't like Jews too much. Thought you'd find that interesting. I thought.
7:53 PM
Brent Geisberg's #10 just made the last 10 minutes worth it. Although I don't know who Brent Geisberg is, his sarcastic wit is vaguely familiar.
Dr. No .....Cal
1:34 PM
counting myself, i can claim 5 degrees of separation from Kirk Cameron:
1. i attended a church in Longview, TX pastored by
2. my post-college mentor who was friends with
3.an evangelist from Dallas who had a book dedicated to him by
4. Ray Comfort who is on religious TV with, who else?
5. Kirk
Can anyone beat that?
8:34 PM
I think that as long as you are within at least 7 degrees of separation from Kirk Cameron, 8 degrees from Willy Ames, or 20 degrees from either Evandor Holyfield or Chuck Norris, you have a good chance of successfully making it into heavan, if not at least purgatory.
9:43 PM
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