Who Speaks for God - Habitats III

Who Speaks for God - Habitats Part 2

Heritage USA, courtesy:illicitohio.com

Who Speaks for God - Habitats Part I

Oral Roberts UniversityPat Robertson's Regent University

Tippy Venezuela IV

Tippy Wept.

Tippy - Venezuela-Assasain III

After putting down the Fresca we made our way out of the bar and hitched a cab to the airport. We had to catch up with Tippy.

Meanwhile south of the border in a small Cantina just south of Mexico City, one lonely rabbit sat in the corner, martini in hand, trying to balance the olive on the stick. Tippy looked around, wondering what he had gotten himself into. Was he trying to live out a dream of helping the man who helped him at his most needy moment? Was he just looking for adventure? Was he trying to make something of his life again, restoring that evangelical zeal that he lost a long time ago. The more he pondered, the more he drank, the more he drank, the more he pondered. It was a vicious catch 22 that he couldn't pull himself out of. He was sad. For the first time in many years his mortality was catching up to him. For the first time in many years .....

Tippy's Venezuelan Adventure Chapter 2

“714-555-6666”

“Right.”

“We dialed the number anxiously but Tippy did not answer. Just his regular message

“You’ve reach ‘T’. Say your peace and move on.”

We missed his voice, and our voice broke a little but we told him we were worried about him and for him to give us a call when he had a chance.

How was he going to get there? Would he be safe? Even if he did make it to over the border he was sure to get picked up by the Federales for something. Poor Tippy.

“Thanks Max”

“No problem Swirlypine. How about something for the road.?”

“Got any Fresca?”

“You bet.”

TO BE CONTINUED

Tippy's Venezuelan Adventure

Swirlypine once again was trying to catch up with Tippy the Rabbit at his favorite watering hole to see what he thought of Pat Robertson’s latest throught from God. We were curious as we knew that Tippy is a member of the 700 club from way back in the days when he grew up in rural Virginia. It was during his youthful travels throughout the state he was taken under the wing of a Virginia Beach pack of rabbits running wild through the town. Smoking, cussing, hanging with the “bunny’s” was what they did, and, for awhile, Tippy was right in the middle of it until he stumbled onto the campus of Regent University where he met Pat Robertson’s dog, Judas. Judas and Tippy became fast friends and it wasn’t too long before Tippy became a regular guest to the backstage of the 700 club. He was privy to up to date dialogue from prestigious evangelical newsmakers that frequented the program. Eventually Tippy had soaked in enough Gospel that he has become an expert on the good, bad and ugly of it all. That’s all we knew. We knew just enough to be concerned as Tippy doesn’t like to talk too much about that part of his life.

We walked into the bar and were surprised to see no Tippy in his usual saddle.

“Tippy here?” we asked the bartender.

“Not for a week”

“Do you know where we can find him?” we begged nervously.

“I know where, but he swore me to silence.”

Passing a twenty spot onto the table the bartender looked left, right, then motioned from us to come close.

“He’s on his way to Venezuela.” The oversized man whispered.

“Venezuela? What for?.”

“Robertson.”

“Robertson? Uh oh.” We finally started to get it.

“He was in here last week having his regular coke and tonic and smoking his Camels when the news of Robertson’s statement on that mad man in Venezuela came on. Tippy wasn’t himself. Could have swore I saw his eyes tear up. He looked troubled.”

“Poor Tippy.”

“Ya. He must have a soft spot for that Robertson character, cause he put down everything and said he was off to Venezuela to assainate that leader. Told me that you fellas might be coming and told me he would tear my lungs out if I dare say anything.”

“Thanks Joe. We need to find him. Did he take his cell phone?”

“I think so.

“Do you have the number?”

TO BE CONTINUED

Who Speaks for God?

Can Good Looks Get you into Heaven?

Thank you axegrinder.blogspot.com on a post for an old Swirlypine column. Your admirable feat of being only 5 levels of separation from Kirk Cameron is indeed amazing. It got Swirlypine thinking about other secular star grabs by TBN. How many degrees of separation are you from the following Surreal World candidates ...? Swirlypine has provided its own suggested ideal degree value associated with each superstarnot.

Chuck Norris -----------5
Evandor Holyfield ------------4
Love Boat captain ---------------6
Rosey Grier -----------------------7
"Bankrupt poof pant rapper guy" -------------5
Efram Zimbalist Jr., ----------------------3
"saved by housekeeper buddy movie" Baldwin brother -------------1

The rationale for such scoring is somewhat subjective but mainly driven by the questions of "How famous was this person before they succumbed to showing up on TBN?" and "How many times have they been on both TBN and the Howard Stern Show in the same year?" etc.. On that last question it's a tight race between Chuck Norris and Stephen Baldwin. So ... the lower your overall score, the better your chances of passing through purgatory and going straight into the pearly gates. The higher your score the further you are apart from these destined has-beens and the more you should become a Jehovah's Witness. That way, not only do you have Michael Jackson on your team, if you are not saved, instead of a firey demise you will just dissapear.

This process may be a cruel variation on Calvinism, but we will provide one Arminian escape .... if you can verify a claim to be 1 level of separation from Pat Boone or Dianne Cannon you will find yourself sitting right next to the Apostle Paul and Joel Osteen on that big neogothic gold stage in the sky. That is our best offer for eternal security.

Good luck!



Chuck

TBN's Extreme Makeover

If you are a die-hard TBN watcher like me, you will remember Nancy Harmon's show from the 1980's titled "Love Special". Nancy used to look like a man. She had a deep voice and a large adams apple. She would belt out the TBN standards along with the rest of the cast. She has slowly worked her way up the ladder, undertaking a Micahel Jackson-esque transformation, except she's a white woman trying to look like Jan Crouch, instead of a Black Man trying to look like Peter Pan. Check out the makeover in this sequence of photos. If anyone can dig up a photo of her from the 80s', you would be truly shocked. The photo at lower left is the earliest in sequence, and you can get an idea of the transformation she underwent.
- Editor's note: we would like to thank TBN for continuing to provide easy, brainless fodder for Swirlypine while our creative team remains in a rut.

Coffee Talk

News from Papua New Guinea

What some people will do for coffee. I thought you guys might get a kick out of this picture I took today. I'm flying coffee for this group of people -450 kg a load. It's their only source for cash. Otherwise they live off the land and they have no way to get their coffee to market - no roads. The coffee buyers, one Royal Coffee in California, arrange to pay for the
airplane and buy the coffee. We get money to help keep translators travel expenses reasonable. It's a win-win for everyone. Can you pick out the "white man" and the bags of coffee? On another coffee strip today, a pig ran in front of the plane after I was already committed to land on a one way, no go around strip. I got down before I was to contact the pig and then slowed enough to swerve the plane an avoid buying myself a pig. The chief pilot was pretty hot about the whole thing and said that we are not flying any more coffee out of that strip till they bring us a dead pig. All in a day's work. Have a good weekend. - Steve

Breaking News

Houston, TX:

In a last ditch effort to thwart off the threat of Joel Osteen's 30K plus member Houston church from swallowing all of the cities clueless and misguided spiritual wanderers into his fold, the Southern Baptist Convention, in cooperation with Hollywood, has hired Oompa Loompa's to entertain their parishoners. The famous Wonka Loompas will be performing new skits over the next several months at the formerly dominate 1st and 2nd Baptist churches. Already known for producing large scale theatrical extravaganza's such as "The Living Christmas Tree" and "The Enchanted Forest", the Oompa Loompa shows will focus on morality tales just like in the movie. Songs about spoiled children and the dangers of Television will be replaced with encouraging ditty's about the importance of television and media, and the importance of spoiling your children. Experts say that the strategy may well work as churches need to do whatever they can to tickle the ears of an underwhelmed audience.

We Have A Winner

Folks, we have a winner. "Anonymous" has successfully named the secret satellite location as the world headquarters for Trinity Broadcasting, home of "Praise the Lord" and pass the buck please. Quickly.

As a special prize, "Anonymous" get's to look at this picture of of a Quanset Hut as long as he/she want's.

Congratulations Anonymous!

Name That Satelite Photograph Location

A new feature. Click on the link. Can you name the location featured in the satelite photograph.

It's fun. Try it.

Swirlypine Wonders...

Where did our links go?

Important News from Christianity Today

This occasional contributor to the swirlypine universe subscribes to Christianity Today. It introduces me to new concepts and helps me keep in touch with the Christian church past the borders of my Orange County home church. According to their website, it is a "definitive voice that will inform, counsel, and challenge you.. Every issue offers thoughtful perspectives on current issues, trends, and news events that affect your faith daily". I have certainly found this to be true.

In fact, I found two items published in the most recent issue to be particularly newsworthy:

1. The magazine did a review of the twentieth anniversary edition of a classic book of modern American Christian thinking - "Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger." I purchased this book last night and plan on reading it on my upcoming seven day vacation in Hawaii. (I know. Very sad, but true).

2. The magazine anounced that after 30 years together and 7 million records sold, the classic Christian rock band Petra has announced that they are breaking up.

Swirlyrut

The contributors of Swirlypine were in a serious rut. Creative wasteland. A blog about nothing. No sarcasm, no cynicism, no big haired Pentecostles to poke fun at. With little else to do we contacted our trusted guest editor Tippy the Rabbit.

When we caught up with Tippy, he was sitting alone in a bar, cigarette in hand as usual, looking down at his drink, mumbling something about a cochroach climbing out of a peanut shell. Once we got his attention, we told him our delima. At first he could only mumble, then just shook his head as if to let us know that this blog was a total failure. Just as we were turning to walk out of the bar we heard ... "Hey Swirlypiners " We stopped and turned. Tippy motioned for us to come over. He would only whisper. But what he had to say we will never forget.

"Stryper" he whispered.

"Dypers?"

"No you idiots... Stryper."

"Stryper?" we questioned. Then let the thought stir between our ears for a minute.

Of course, that was it. When a cynical evangelical blog hits rock bottom there is only one way to go to get the pump primed for the creative juices to flow. Stryper!

So here it is. Just in time for Strypers return. Our first dig at CCM's most dangerous? band.

Nothing need be said for this dig. Just the image is enough.

Enjoy.

Cool Calvary Church Guy

Ja-zeez-us is in the Hizzle

Mr. Solo, Tik Tokk, and Chille' Baby - Tellin' it Straight, yo.

The group was founded by Mr. Solo, a former gang member, when he turned his life over to Jesus after almost dying from gunshot wounds. He credits his mother to planting the early seeds of God in his life as she would always pray for him. Mr. Solo grew up in South Central Los Angeles with Chille' Baby, who started going to church with Mr. Solo and evantually came to know Christ also. Mr. Solo and Chille' Baby met the third member of their group at church when Tik Tokk also made the decision to follow Christ.

Mr. Solo, Chille' Baby and Tik Tokk will be speaking at the 1st United Presbyterian Church of Irvine women's missionary circle this Thursday morning at 10am. Refreshments will be served.

Swirlypine to Leave This Image Alone

TIVO THIS

Be sure and tune in to The Knitters who will be appearing on The Late Show with David Letterman on Friday, August 12th.

Christian News In Brief - August 7, 2005

Thomas Kinkaide Signs
Deal with the Devil,
Will Paint Darkness







Benny Hinn to Play
Oompa Loompas
in Chocolate Factory 2




Cynical Blogger Has Extra Ticket
To Limbeck on August 13 at
Chain Recation, Wife Won't Go.

Christian News in Brief for August 4, 2005

HEADLINES:
"More Footprints Uncovered"
Sea of Galilee:
Respected Evangelical Reconstructionist Geologist, Phil Nerfherdered, claims to have discovered evidence of another footprint in the sand which leads to theory that Jesus was not carrying the person, but may have had help. Evangelicals everywhere are disputing such findings as heretical.

"Not So Precious Moment for Church Worker"
Orange County, CA:
An Orange County, CA church staff member, in the midst of looking for a missing overhead projector in the Senior Pastor's private office, was shocked to find a collection of life size Precious Moments statues. The shocked employee reported that the figurines were about 5 foot tall, anatomically correct, and posed in manners which she could not repeat for fear of excommunication.

"Holy Spirit Pill?"
Chicago, Ill
Wharpton Pentecostal University Professor of Psychiatry, and part time chemist, claims to have developed a new psychotropic medium for depression. Josh Justinblaine claims that his new pill "... is a compromise to the frustration that evangelical pastor's have when there flock appear to find more peace and tranquility through Prozac than by taking his advice to pray really, really hard and read the Bible more." Critics claim that the pill is only a placebo given to flock members by Pentecostal Pastors who claim to have had Benny Hinn lay hands on them during a recent crusade in Tijuana, Mexico.

Christian News in Brief

Headlines:
Mega Church Pastor Doesn't Have Affair
95.9 The FISH drops 'Family Friendly Format', Ratings Skyrocket
Carman announces his candidacy for Anti-Christ
Scientists Discover Elusive Fifth Spiritual Law
Rick Warren to Release New Book - "Purpose Driven Driving"
Tippy the Rabbit Gets Saved in Rehab (Again)