Christian News in Brief for August 4, 2005

HEADLINES:
"More Footprints Uncovered"
Sea of Galilee:
Respected Evangelical Reconstructionist Geologist, Phil Nerfherdered, claims to have discovered evidence of another footprint in the sand which leads to theory that Jesus was not carrying the person, but may have had help. Evangelicals everywhere are disputing such findings as heretical.

"Not So Precious Moment for Church Worker"
Orange County, CA:
An Orange County, CA church staff member, in the midst of looking for a missing overhead projector in the Senior Pastor's private office, was shocked to find a collection of life size Precious Moments statues. The shocked employee reported that the figurines were about 5 foot tall, anatomically correct, and posed in manners which she could not repeat for fear of excommunication.

"Holy Spirit Pill?"
Chicago, Ill
Wharpton Pentecostal University Professor of Psychiatry, and part time chemist, claims to have developed a new psychotropic medium for depression. Josh Justinblaine claims that his new pill "... is a compromise to the frustration that evangelical pastor's have when there flock appear to find more peace and tranquility through Prozac than by taking his advice to pray really, really hard and read the Bible more." Critics claim that the pill is only a placebo given to flock members by Pentecostal Pastors who claim to have had Benny Hinn lay hands on them during a recent crusade in Tijuana, Mexico.