Pastor Achieves Acrostic Perfection, Breaks Record for Most Complicated Sermon Acrostic

Grand Rapids, Ohio

Dr. Cog Nitive, Associate Pastor of Counseling for the First Christian Church, in preaching "Who Wants to Be a Success" delivered Sunday what is likely the most detailed, long reaching and perfectly orchestrated sermon acrostic ever for a non-denominational church (we acknowledge that Presbyterian Churches would have us beat at the Sermon Acrostic by a long shot). Today's sermon breaks the previous acrostic sermon record both in complexity and meaning.

The sermon utilized the seldom seen "acrostic within an acrostic", a technique that is often avoided because of the complexity required to keep adding subpoints that start with the right letter. The acrostic formula from today's sermon is deciphered by Swirlypine's linquistic staff, and is shown below in simplified form:

BEASUCCESS = Be A Success

1st sub-acrostic word: BE
B = Beliefs
E= Expectations

2nd sub-acrostic word: A
A = Action

3rd Sub-acrostic word: SUCCESS:
S = Setting your goals
U = Using your time
C = Cognitive strategies
C = Comprehension skills
E = Evaluating performance
S = Seeking support
S = Summarizing learning

In a brilliant and unexpected move, Dr. Nitive attempted the rare acrostic within the acrostic. During the explanation of the first level acrostic, Dr. Nitive introduced the "Draw your hand and write these five points in the fingers" acrostic. I wrote the following words on my fingers:
Thumb - Hear God's Word
Index finger - Read God's word
Middle finger - Study God's word
Ring finger - Meditate on God's word
Pinky finger - Apply God's word.

Here's what my hand looked like:

Now if you are trying to figure out the word spelled out by the hand acrostic, you might be scratching your head to figure out what "HRSMA" means. Well, here's where it get's to the subtextual level: The acrostic pattern here switches to the formula known as "repetitive phraseology", in which the phrase "________ God's word" is used repetitively for cogninitive reinforcement.

He also used as an example, the digestive system of a sheep that looks like this. From this, we learned that a sheep utilizes a "Smart Goal Setting System" because its stomach has 7 chambers that break down the grass. This is just like meditating on God's word.

THE MAIN POINT - At the begining of the sermon, Dr. Nitive asked us to write out our definition of success. I wrote 'to live a life that glorifies God by being obedient to Him.' At the end of the sermon, I learned that the definition of success is actually alot more complicated than that, and involves extensive cognitive repatterning. Dr. Nitive's definition of success is that 'Successful people summarize and ________ what they have ____ and make daily ___________. Unfortunately, I was writing so fast to finish the sheeps stomach illustration at this point, that I was unable to fill in the blanks for the definition of success.

Dr. Nitive drew more than a few raised eyebrows when discussing how often you read God's word, he stated "Its not enough to just get a quickie in the morning." After elbowing my wife, I later learned that he was refering to a quick read through of "Our Daily Bread" or something else like that.

Dr. Nitive later explained about "Comprehension Monitoring" in which you realize that the most dangerous animal in the world is not the Great White Shark (kills 100 people a year) but the mosquito, which kills 1,000,000 people a year. But I kept thinking its not the mosquito that kills people, its the virus it carries, so isn't it the virus that is the most dangerous animal? But that kind of ruins the illustration, though, doesn't it?

Dr. Nitive employed many breakthrough cognitive techniques, including the "How many F's do you see" game, the "Three Chairs Illustration," the "This picture of a duck can change into a horse" illustration, and the inaugural introduction of the phrase "When God Guides, God Provides" (it rhymes!).

Dr. Nitive also broke ranks with the previous paradigm of "Be a Human Being, not a Human Doing" by encouraging us to "Evaluate our Performance", and then by explaining to us that the true meaning of success is to have heavenly insight to know God's will. So I guess my definition of success (obedience to God, glorifying God) was wrong.

Perhaps the most stunning moment of this treatise, was the point at which Dr. Nitive told us to take out our wallets and drop them on the floor. He was illustrating the point "are you holding onto your wallet, or is your wallet holding onto you". I couldn't find my wallet this morning before church, and so I started blaming it on my wife, and then we were late to church. But it didn't matter because I have my giving set up through Quicken Bill Pay. Then I had to ask myself, "Am I holding onto Quicken Bill Pay, or is Quicken Bill Pay holding onto me?" Deep.


In summary, it is this style of cognitive, behavior modificaiton teaching that we need more of on Sunday moringings. I mean, after all, how many of those boring cookie cutter sermons about the Glory of God or the way to Glorify God, or how God's Grace is Imparted to Us, or Why Sin Hurts God, or How We Receive Continual Grace Through Jesus Sacrifical Substitution (all with hermenutiucal exegisis instead of seeker sensitive marketing-speak, can we be expected to sit through? If we just try hard enough to change our behavior, we will be successful in God's eyes. That's the real point, here, I think. But trying isn't good enough, because we all have hang ups. So it helps to have systems in place that keep you pointed in the right direction. So we all need lots of systems. Thats the real point, I am trying to say, cognitive systems, with acrostics to help us remember. I think if I try to implement all the systems from today's sermon this week, it will take me about 6 hours a day. That should be sufficient.

Christian Camping - A Photo Journal

I love summer, especially when it means going Christian camping. Hume Lake provides a safe, Christ centered evangelical, non-pentecostal camping environment. Check out these photos:


yeah, spirit points are like totally worth it.


Sisters in Christ



Against Camp Rules, the Holy Spirit Takes Over

Pray for Tippy, He's Not Doing Well

Here is the update to Tippy's previous prayer requests:

Pray Request/Date/Answer (Answer status: yes/no/wait - explanation from God)

1) Pray for my sore feet/7-20-05/No-"you don't have feet, you have paws, the answer is no, on a techincallity"
2) Pray for snow/7-20-05/"wait, I can't change the seasons, except for pentecostals, and you're not pentecostal"
3) Pray for a cat that has no fleas /7-20-05/"yes - there are many cats in your own neighborhood that have fleas!"
4) Pray that they will soon make Prozac for small animals. /7-20-05/ "No, as God, I don't support the use of anti-depressants, just pray and read your bible, Tippy."
5) Pray that they will develope a 12 step program for small animals. / 7-20-05 / "i would say yes, but your church does not fully embrace 'recovery', it is only an attempt to have a fully rounded out 'seeker sensitive' ministry, the answer is NO"

Powerpoint, Handouts, or Good Ol' Fashioned Charm

Editors Note: Tippy the Rabbit is currently in rehab

Tell us more about your church. We at Swirlypine have noticed a disturbing trend among evangelical churches of increasing reliance upon Powerpoint to deliver the Sunday morning sermon. Not just any powerpoint, but Powerpoint presentations with cute little moving icons, video clip links, pictures, moving text, and the like. I for one see this trend as a shift from "content based preaching" to "experience based teaching". Or, to put it another way, it doesn't matter so much what I say, as long as it is formatted in a clever Powerpoint format. Back in the day, teachers such as Swindoll or Shank could deliver a poignant sermon without so much as a notepad on the podium. The Holy Spirit was free to work through the delivery of the sermon. Does the Holy Spirit work through software? Does HE guide the selection of the appropriate template, background and header formatting in the powerpoint sermon? In order to spark a debate on this topic, we have asked our two evangelical pundits, Flannelgraph Bob and Powerpoint Pete, to debate the issue in an open forum. We attempted to find Overhead Joe, but his projector bulb was burned out and we could not locate another one in the media center in time for this deadline.



Flanelgraph Bob will argue the old school limited availability of technology perspective. Powerpoint Pete will deliver the opposing viewpoint that Technology was created by God, and therefore, should be used to glorify Him. We would appreciate your feedback on which approach is most relevant. Please click on the Title for a brief overview of Flannelgraph Bob's platform.


(Okay, we know this article has limited appeal, its not "sexy", but we have our hangups, and must air them on line)

Tippy The Rabbit Attends Spitzer Fundraiser for Blue Hairs and Blow Hards

Posted by: Tippy the Rabbit

In order to quickly fulfill my quota of 6 editorial pieces, and then ditch this pathetic cyber-rag, I decided that attending Wednesday evening's Todd Spitzer fundraiser at the Orange Park Acres home of Dr. Don and Lois Verleur would provide easy fodder for a liberal hare planted squarely in the heart of the Country's most conservative county. For starters, it was supposed to be a "Western Theme BBQ", but the band barely had a heartbeat. Three never-has-beens limping along on a keyboard, guitar and a microphone. It looked more like a lobbiest party for the AARP. A literal who's who of OC political wannabes that somehow think as a Podunk OC city council member you can somehow ride on Spitzer's coat tails into the white house some day.

The food was okay, and I got more than a few stares as I loaded my plate full of tri-tip, which for the conventional crowd, is seen as a no-no for an herbivore such as I. Well I have news for you, not only am I a liberal rabbit, I am a flaming carnivore--and proud of it. That's right, I am out! Take that OPA!

Sitting through the fifteen speeches by whoever you are from where ever your from, my thoughts drifted off while I tried to remain interested. "That lettuce in the garden sure looks good." "No, stop it, you're on the other team, stop it." "I wonder if there are coyotes out here?" "Why won't Spitzer just come out and announce that he's running for OC District Attorney in 2008?"

By the time Spitzer got up, I was all ears, though. His whole operating mode is "Hey, look at me, I'm hot lookin', I'm kind of cocky, my hot wife Jamie is a judge, and all I have to do is go "Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah" and people will give me money. There was not a single platform or policy statement. No blow about the Democrats doing a 180 on the budget delay to avoid certain special election triggers that they were previously unkbeknownst to them. Nothing. All the freakin guy did was give away a 4-gig iPod. Whoop de do. La-de-freakin-da. And to think, at one time, they were grooming him for governor. I am here to say...All Spitzer cares about is...Spitzer. At my table there were seated a tow truck company owner, and two guys who own Jax Bicycle Shop. That's it. They were there in support of initiatives favoring tow trucks and bicycles? This is all Spitzer can rustle up for his annual OPA barbeque? Pathetic.

The only saving moment was the well worded introduction by Orange Mayor Pro-Tem Carolyn Cavecche, the ultra-right wing "I'm a stay-at-home-Mom and a full time politician" lady gunning for a spot on the OC Board of Supervisors. Go home and do some ironing, Cavecche! She was preceeded by a well worded legislative summary from Senate Majority Leader Dick Ackerman (R-Fullerton). At least this guy has a clue why he goes to Sacramento: to take money from the poor and line the pockets of the county's most prominent "haves".

Its events like this that make me glad I can just hop back home to my hutch, chew some of my own vomit, hop around a little bit, and procreate randomly with the nearest rabbit. Those are my issues, Spitzer. What did you ever do for me?

Three more editorials on this rabbit's contract. Tippy out. Oh, check out the picture of Spitzer on his website header (Click the blog article title). This pictures tells more about this egomaniac than I could ever write. Peace out.

Tippy Plays Hardball with Swirlypine

Negotiations have broken down with Tippy the Rabbit. He is backing out of the deal as his representation wants an escape clause as Swirlypine has not established itself as a "legitimate media vehical" to express his thoughts. In the mean time Swirlypine has agreed to a short term contract involving 6 short pieces of Tippy's open expression. Hopefully we can nail down something soon. The key to our future as an evangelical pain-in-the arse cyberrag lies on the floppy, but cigarette stained ears of Tippy the Rabbit.

The reality of the matter is that Tippy was ticked off when Blaine Clements, Swirlypine Managing Editor, permanently deleted the blog comments of Danita. Never mind that Danita was a cyber hooker dropping blog lures to bring over credit cards to her site. Never mind that this is a Godly site and that we are trying to bring people closer to Christ. Never mind that. It's all about Tippy. Tippy this, Tippy that. El Conjejo. El conejo. I want to make you into a one time burrito!

Tippy's Thought of the Day

"Sola Cultura. Culture as the ultimate authority. It's impact will leave a residue through the years as evident as the Popes robe systems.

Let culture reign and it will kill the pain of reality and truth. Let it redefine essence and morph into a new faith concentrate. Something new to taste and devour. Sweet sweet baby love. Sweet music that transcends the hymns of our fathers.

Aquire the fire now and digest the ash of a smoldering soul later after enhaling the aroma of pain in later days.

Scurry to hit bottom so you can rise from the pit with eyes anew. This Christ thing will become more evident, more tangible and prickly. Until then stay clear of the clever concepts that call out your ear. Nomenclature that sways you over. Hurry for the pit. Hurry to jump in deep and long to feel around and sufficate for a short time, long enough to later swallow in the freshness of the Air you never knew existed."

Tippy's Poet Corner Volume I

"It's tough being a rabbit. Small pellet world around me- confusion about breeding-I want to say "fudge" but can't. Kia world, car lined stuffed animals lined in fake fur of Asian import. Does anyone have a cigarette? I am passionate about snakes that can devour me. Again, I drift off in thought. Please forgive me. I am tired. May I please have an Amy Grant dream?"

If you have suggestions for Tippy please write. He has submitted the following prayer request.

1) Pray for my sore feet.
2) Pray for snow.
3) Pray for a cat that has no fleas.
4) Pray that they will soon make Prozac for small animals.
5) Pray that they will develope a 12 step program for small animals.

"Tippy the Rabbit" Signs on as Swirlypine Contributing Editor

In an effort to provide a broad, more well-rounded coverage of contemporary Christian topics, Tippy the Rabbit has agreed to write for Swirlypine. Tippy's perspective will round out our coverage and may be especially useful on controversial topics that hit too close to home for the Swirlypine staff, or on a topic that would run the risk of offending some of Swirlypines readers. Look for Tippy's blog profile and postings soon.

Tell Us Something About Your Church!

In an effort to stay connected to our reader(s), Swirlypine wants to get to know more about the church you attend. We want to stay connected to you. We have developed a list of 10 (ten) simple questions that can let our reader(s) both share with us about their places of worship, and at the same time provide ideas to other possible reader(s)to take to their own church body.


1) What Denomination is it?
Helpful Hint: That is what they used to call a church's relationship to other churches based on some basic doctrinal originality and similarities that do not fall out of orthodoxy. If you don't know what this means please skip this question or just put who your favorite CCM artist is. We can figure it out from there. If you don't know what CCM means then this piece is far too sarcastic for you and you are better off just going back to www.acquirethefire.com where you came from.

2) Who is your famous member?
Helpful Hint: Any local famous person is a welcome here. Or please state how many degrees of separation would that person be from that Christian guy from that 80's sitcom with that Alan somebody and that girl who always gets anorexia.

3) Why is/was he/she famous?
Helpful Hint: Anything. Just give us anything.

4) Architectural Style?
Helpful Hint: If it is an industrial building please state either concrete tilt up (pre or post Trammel Crow), or cinder block construction. Please indicate whether your church building is media-centric (no windows) or media-subordinate (with windows). And, please indicate whether your pastoral office suite is located separate from the other staff offices with its own shower, back door, and private security. Please note, if you answer “Yes” to the pastoral office suite question your pastor, is, was or will soon be caught having an extra marital affair. We can find help for you on that too. Just email us.

5) Do you have to be baptized to be saved?
Helpful Hint: Ask your pastor or team leader what that means.

6) Does your hair have to stick up to be saved?

7) Do you know what being saved is? Do you know what you might be saved from pending you know if you need to be saved?

8) What was the name of your church before it was renamed?
Helpful Hint: For example, Bob may first go to a church that is named "Springfield First Baptist", then, later after getting a market study done by the George Barna group, the name was changed to "Pick Up Hot Babes Here Community Church".

9) Is it really not about you or can it be just a little bit about you but not quite enough about you so that you would be able to work with any of the future curriculums that Rick Warren will be sending your way in the next several years?

And, finally ...

10) Would the phrase ... "With every head bowed and every knee bent" sound familiar to you?
Helpful Hint: That is not a sexual position or twister move used on Wednesday night fellowship.

11) Don't think, just respond: Paul and Jan (old school) or Matt Crouch and his Hot Wife (new generation) ?

Thanks for taking the time. God bless, and we will let you know the results shortly.

Swirlypine

Swirlypine Research on the Rock Harbor Demographic

Actual Post from Rock Harbor Room Mates Classified (its soooo easy):

looking for roommate(s)
hey my name's Ryan, I'm 26 and i'm a graphic designer. i've been going to Rock Harbor for about a year and a half and i'm looking for roommates to move into a place in mid July. i'd like to find some christian guys to live with. email me at ryan@emunaclothing if you're interested. thanks.
[6.29.05]

-- blogservant's note: hey, ryan. we're all graphic designers until we end up working at a temp agency and then move on to a "consulting" business.

mature hardcore christian looking for a place to call home
Late 20's, easy going, non-smoker, non-drinker and keep things clean. Been at RH for last couple months. Would love a place in south OC and west o f the five but am willing to look at anything in OC if the price is right. Need something ASAP, please email or call Steve@mountwest.com 949.705.SURF
[7.18.05]

--blogservant's note: this guy is 1) mature 2) hardcore and 3) easygoing - he's a triple threat, and a a tri-oxy moron, or more likely, just a moron. He's been at RH for a couple months, so he's a regular. Extra contemporary christian bonus points, his phone number spells SURF. Everything about this guy is cool, except for the fact that he's currently homeless, and works at an 800 call center that bills it self as a "communications solutions provider". He's astute enough to distinguish "west of the five", which means he would be okay living in Santa Ana's Minnie Street Barrio, but wouldn't consider a nice apartment in Irvine.

another classic...
mature woman seeking room to rent
I am a mature, female student with a small potty-trained, uncaged, pet rabbit named Tippy, who is seeking a room or studio apartment to rent in Costa Mesa near Vanguard or the surrounding areas. Can pay $600 with utlities included. Contact DeTria @ 949-223-3404,714-330-0284, or DHTaylor@vanguard.edu
[6.29.05]


-blogservant's note: the email above needs no embellishment, other than its interesting to note that TIPPY seems to be the one seeking housing. The Vanguard connection is very predictable using the Rock Harbor demographic categorizing model developed by Swirlypine's research team.


--blogservant's pennance: I must now confess my sins of sarcasm, Hail Mary, Mother of Grace. No, wait, that was a sarcastic confession because I don't believe in the Deity of Mary, I really must stop. Sorry, this post is not endorsed by Swirlypine's managing editor and may be removed shortly.

Rock Harbor Worships Through Design & Practical Yet Reverent Blends

Hello .....,


In response to your query: The frames that are hanging behind the stage are covered in sheets purchased at Urban Outfitters. There are also canvasses which have been painted to magnify and mimic the patterns of the sheets.
Please let me know if I can be of any further service to you.



Blessings,


...... .......
Arts/Celebration Ministries
Coordinator
ROCKHARBOR Church

And the gifts of the spirit are love, joy, peace and modern hipness...

We went to Rock Harbor church on Saturday night. Here is an entire church that is built on having the spiritual gift of coolness. The new church is very 'Dwell Magazine Retro-Minimalist', with funky architectural detailing in the sanctuary, which isn't called a sanctuary because that wouldn't be cool. Exposed plywood, barcelona chairs in the lobby, gothic iron grills on the walls to satisfy the goth rockers, eclectic lighting and imagery on the stage. I think the main venue is called the "shack" or something like that. They have a cool logo, looks like a surfwear company or something.

Other mini venues at RH - 'the lounge' the 'box', the 'centre' (not center), and 'the outlet'. and their uber-hip alt venue is a hard rockin' super sexy group that meets at none other than...you guessed it: The Shark Club. This is where my brother in law worships, because it relates to his generation. "I want to go to church in a night club, because it is where I can be at church, but feel like I am experiencing an entertainment venue at the same time, where I can play pool, have a beer, and meet women, all while experiencing myself experience God."

They have a highly developed communications ministry with the following teams: "content", "graphic design", "photography", "pr/media", and "web team". This ministry focus plays on their collective professional skills, which for generation y, tend to be focused on media.

Their elders are cool, too. They wear tight jeans, diagonal striped rumpled shirts and modern intellectual eyeglasses. They don't have departments in their church like missions, worship, and senior adults. They have "teams" with active names like "reach", "arts & culture" and everything they do has cool graphics, with retro geographic shapes and the like. I don't think they have a "senior adult" team. The worship pastor is on equal par with the teaching pastor. He looks very earnest on that keyboard, with perfectly worded between-song mini-messages that challenge you to think about...well, you. How earnest are you? How dedicated are you? How purpose-driven are you? There is a race to be the first one standing when the song gets really good, to show that you "feel" the worship. "I'm getting back to the heart of worship, and its all about...me?"

The pews, no, they are chairs, are full of hip young modern couples with no children or young children, with jobs like "web designer", "CFO for punk rock record label", "graphic artist", "consultant" and "computer game designer". The hair is messy, but just right. The clothes are rumpled, but intentional. the message is very challenging, and that night, seemed all about what is RH's image. They talked about their growth, their big budget, their median age of 27, their success, their industrial building, and then their image. its the perfect Generation "y" topic...concerned with how they look, and how others think they are feeling. They are not necessarily concerned with their own feelings, just what it looks like to others when they are "feeling". I didn't see any retards, no 'humble praise', no dorky missionaries, no silly
missionary shirts from tropical locales (unless they are integrated into an intentionally eco-sensitive world-music folk outfit), no Mary Goodner (TM) missionary circles, no fat people, no poor people, no old people, no ugly people, (unless they worked their ugliness into a hair-dying, glasses-wearing, tatoo sportin', black clothes wearin' look that says, I am cool because I don't care how ugly I am, just like Janine Garafalo) no black people (unless they look white), no high schoolers (a generation y couple can't have anything over 3yrs old and still be a "young couple".) when it was over, they hurried off to their next Saturdayevening entertainment venue.

Strip away the cool experience, and you would have a church struggling to fill the sanctuary. Their growth comes by taking believers from other churches that aren't as strong at marketing and production capabilities (this was actually stated during the sermon, which wasn't really a sermon, more of a talk). One stage personality had theboldness to actually say that if we are there just to check it out, we
shouldn't be there, and should go back to our church. He also said that they wanted to purge the seats of people that were not committed, to make room for more that are. Word to yo' church hopper.

Am i jaded? yes. Is it fun to observe and categorize? Always. Have I taken artistic license and should I be sued by their media attorney? Probably. Are they any more screwed up than my church? Nope.

Question of the Moment: Who's Sexy and Know'sThe Word?

Is it me? Are two of the best ingredients for a powerful ministry being sexy and knowing your Bible? I am distracted to this question after reading about Joseph Smith Jr., born of a self described mislead Presbyterian mother. He really knew his Bible. Not only that, he was really sexy in that his revelations started an original American religious movement that found a way to make it possible for men to have multiple sexual partners and maintain a reputation for holiness at the same time. What other great Christian leaders do you know that were/are sexy and really know their sword?

Recommended Rag

Magazine
The Believer

Issue
June/July 2005

Article
"How to Become a Christian Artist"

Summary
Rick Moody explores the work of an eccentric evangelical music artist, the Danielson Famile, their compositions and recordings. Pulled towards their originality, it is a worthy piece for The Believer magazine that marries intellect, talent, and a lean from the beaten path.

Writer
Rick Moody

Swirlypine Significance
We find the greatest form of flattery for evangelicals as when a secular media source provides fair commentary on a Christian work without necessarily succumbing to its content or push. Similar to the Persian posture towards the Israelites previous to their return to Jerusalem highlighted by the perceived benevolence of King Darius to Ezra and Artaxerxes to Nehemiah. This somewhat philosophical acceptance of the importance and respect of the Judeo essence, but without giving into it. Of course there are many similar models in the Old Testament of such treatments of God's chosen, at least up until Christ came onto the scene. By that time the paradigm seemed to shift against the prophet, apostle, or follower. The new form of flattery was to be doomed to a beheading, body slice, flip and burn, stoning, and other gymnastic ways of torture and death.
So that leaves us with two forms of flattery - having a secularist respect your content and let you go on with your mission, or having the same acknowledge the importance of your God and subsequently make sure that you experience some type of twisted demise.

In this article Rick Moody provides the former of the two approaches in exploring the Danielson Famile. Sadly, given the condition of the most popular Christian Contemporary Music, maybe the latter fate wouldn't be all that bad.

Featured Quote
"... I have come somehow to identify with the Danielson Famile. I identify with them, in that rock and roll, and I am reassured by them. Here's why. Because in the literary community, at present, one of the worst career moves you can make is to admit that you are a person who believes, a person who goes to church and who finds value in it. To say both that you go to church and you consider yourself an intellectual is to skepticism and even disdain in your peers."