News from the Land of Bad Teeth

70's Worship Dude - The Begining of the End

Kumba ya, please pass the weed.



Getting Religion

Satanic Gardens 2nd Chance

"Sir. Please get down from your camel and step over to the rock.

Now, I am going to have you say your Hebrew alphabet, and after that I want to hear it backwards.

Great. Now I am going to draw a line in the sand here and if you would, please walk heel to toe from the beginning to the end.

Oh, and please don't step on that picture of a fish.

Oh, and, if possible, please don't mess up those two footprints in the sand... people are confused enough already.

Sir, I think everythings okay. Just stick to the water, not the wine, and be on your way."

Tippy and the Shrill

Tippy waited anxiously for Kate in front of the Cantina but she never showed. His thoughts of a romantic adventure into the rain forest, hacking through deep growth, with short stints of blowing kisses were starting to fade.
“I knew it couldn’t be true, “ he mourned inside.
“It was too good to be true, Kate, me, adventure, killing a dictator, it was just too good to be true,” the sorry rabbit continued to spiral down.
“I need a drink.”
“I need something.”
“HALT!” he shouted inside. “HALT!” again roared within.
Tippy had one last defense he pulled out of AA that has helped him time and time again. HALT. Hungary, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If he is experiencing one of these factors, then he can’t let himself fall apart.
“I am definitely hungry. Angry? Not really, at least not towards Kate. Lonely? Very. Tired. Yes. I’m HLT. That’s three out of four. I better snap out of it” the little furball reasoned to himself.
It took everything within him to move on, but the rabbit decided to let frustration, disappointment and self-doubt not be his friends on this one. He was joining up with his other buddies, hope, trust, and purpose. The more he thought these positive thoughts, the more he was able to get his mind off of Kate and back to his purpose. Kill Chavez. Before he moved on he new it best to find a place to eat a healthy dinner, get a good nights sleep, and trust in Christ as his true companion.

Hailing down a cab, Tippy made his way down to the Holiday Inn and made his way to his room. As he opened the door and stepped in side he sensed there was something very wrong. The air had a tint of suspense, an aurora of another presence in the midst. Tippy put down his bags and slowly walked through the suite. Slipping off his loafers he turned each corner tightly, looking left, right, up and down at each turn.

His heart thumped. The hair on the back his hair was standing up. Suddenly a blast of a female shrill came from the bedroom and he immediately ran towards the noise. Banging through the door he couldn’t believe his eyes what he saw on the other side.

Ain't Kate Great Tippy?

Yes. Kate Moss.
“Kate! What are you doing here” Tippy yelled with newly found enthusiasm. Kate was an old friend.
“Hi Tippy”
“Why so sad?”
“Tips?.”
“Ya.”
“I got caught”
“Caught with what?” he paused. “Don’t tell me.”
“Yes.”
“Oh Kate” Tippy flicked of the tip of his cigar.
“Tippy, I’m upset.”
“What are you doing all the way out here in Venezuela?”
“I had just come into town for an exotic shoot for Maxim and I got lonely, the gossip rags have been after me ever since I successfully sued them for lying to the public about a cocaine habit and, well, it was just too tempting. They got me.”
“Damn Rags. I’ve been there. Swirlypine has been on tail ever since they heard I was going after Chavez.”
“Why are you going after Chavez?” Kate asked innocently.
“Oh Kate, you just won’t understand. Robertson wants him killed, and I just feel like I owe it to him. For all he’s done for me.”
“I see” replied the beautiful woman.
“So what are you going to do Kate?”
“I don’t know. Two of my companies have dropped me, I have plenty of cash but nowhere that I want to go.”
“You can come with me. I don’t quite know where I’m going, but Chavez has to be around here somewhere.”
“Tippy. I know where Chavez is. Why do you think we were doing this shoot so far south of the border?”
“Chavez.”
“Ya, Chavez and his horny appetite for good looking white women”
“I get it.”
“Do you think you could get me within range of a good shot? All I need is about 100 feet.”
“I think so.”
“That’s great. I can get this thing done and move on with my life. Let’s go Kate.”
“Tippy, I am so glad to see you. Let me grab my overnight bag from the hotel and I will meet you in front of the Cantina in half an hour.”
“See you there Kate.”

Ain't Nate Great?

Chicagoreader.com artical on Christian rocker who forgets to drop his drawers until after the sermon. Very funny.

Tippy prepares for the job

Tippy pushed the keyboard past his beer nestled closely on the small Caracas cantina he had found. All he needed was a decent Wi Fi, bonitas chicas conejos, and plenty of Corona. He felt bad for having to chastise Swirlypine, but he knew it was the right thing to do. If they were going to learn a thing from their adventures in fundamentalism, they needed to learn it the way he did – through the school of hard knocks. Becoming a good, distraught and totally ragged fundamentalist took time. One had to be nurtured in the environment, raised with the big hair of a Sunday school teacher hanging over his head, or the energy and mania of a clueless youth pastor, newly married, out to save the world. There had to be explosions, and tracts, and hard working goals of saving, and acting, purity, sinless ness, more purity, and Wednesday nights. Swirlypine had to go thought the fire if they were going to come out clean on the other side.
After a short yawn, once last puff of his cigar, and a wink to the la conejo bonita eyeing him across the bar, Tippy got up, grabbed his shotgun, gave one last nod to Javier the bartender, and made his way out onto the busy streets of dusk in downtown Caracas.
He knew Chavez had to be around somewhere. Even though the excitement and energy behind his journey had been dampened by news of Katrina, (how's Swaggert doing he worried to himself) he was determined to finish the task, cross the goal line, be the living example of hot or cold, and to not compromise his values. After a short left and right scan of the hustle and bustle before him he spotted something that made his innards shake.
Could it be?

Satan's Little Buddy

Satan's Helpers

Satanic Gardens

Tippy's Message to Swirlypine

Swirlypine,

Have I been so long from you that you move so far away from the core values I taught you? As I hoof it down the southern Sierra trails into Latin America, via boat, ATV, mountain bike, plane or other throughout my adventures towards Venezuela I check in on the blog at the local cyber cafe's. I have to tell you I am dissapointed. What otherwise should be encouraging rhetoric to my soul has become like a bad anchor in Scott Peterson's boat.

Your early post's were weak, to say the least, but they had guts, and integrity with a plethra of enthusiasm. It was only a matter of time that they got better with Brent Geisberg stepping up to the plate and reaching a Swirlypine plateau with the brilliant analysis on the ultimate apostic sermon, and of course the Rev. C. Jerome's plea to TBN to give his grandma's money back. But from there, those glimps of brilliance have given way to mediocrity. Raca. Get behind me Satan I say.

I don't ask for perfection. I don't ask for the greatest wine from the greatest vines. I only ask for guts. For a stomach of stone, and the powerful attack of the Chubacabra in your sarcastic born again souls. I have met the Chubacabra, and he is evil. With only two small but defining holes to the neck, the beast sucks the innards out of his prey and runs off in the night. While this beast is violent and cunning to the Latin world, the essence of his power and determination is nowhere to be seen in your work anymore. Swirlypine has become to me like a piss in my Corona, a bacteria in my fish taco, and a cobra in my Tijuana jail cell, staring me right in the eyes.

As I seek out Chavez and avenge my dear brother Pat Robertson who I have learned to hate and admire at the same time, I am reminded that old Pat at least has the huevos to speak his mind rather it be political correct or not. But not you Swirlypine. I know you are trying to find me and keep me from harms way. Bartenders up and down the Pacifc Ocean coast have kept me informed of your efforts. But let me tell you. Unless you start writing from the heart, criticizing from the soul, demeaning well meaning Evangelicals from the deepest and smelliest part of your upper colon, I don't want to see you. Or hear you. Or smell your presence. The Chubacabra is more welcomed in the seat next to me. The Chubacabra is looking better every beer, while you, Swirlpine, are looking more and more pitiful every post.

You must be hot or cold. Your Paul and Jan short pieces are lazy and stupid. You might as well take over Rosie's show and through softballs at Cameran Diaz, or go on Oprah and talk about adventures in weight management. If this laziness continues I will do everything possible to see the demise of this blog.

Wake up Swirlypine. The emergent church is caling you, and your former potential as a leader in the movement is giving way to a "has been" cyber rag, read by one or two of your so called friends.

Wake up Swirlypine. Pull your head out of your cyberass.

Love Tippy.

Paul and Jan...Paul and Jan

Astonomical Paul and Jan

Periodic Table Paul and Jan

Nanobiology's Paul and Jan

World of Electron's Paul and Jan

World of Micro Organism's Paul and Jan

Animal Kingdoms Jan and Paul

New Winners

Phil Specter and Suze Orman could rule the world (No, its not Nigel Twist from The Alarm).

OK. This Should Pretty Much Put That Topic To Rest

Submit Your Nominations for the Secular World's Paul and Jan Crouch

Why should cynical fundamentalists have all the fun? Ted Turner and Diana Ross seem like perfect representations of Paul and Jan Crouch for the secular world. Any suggestions for others?

Impassioned Celine Dion Urges Help for Hurricane Victims

Sure, Kanye West may have let his emotions come out during the NBC fundraising telethon last week. But in this video clip, Celine Dion, who, unlike Kanye, can apparently so easily empathize with the struggles of the survivors of Hurricane Katrina, makes an impassioned plea for help, while letting us all know that she has given a million dollars.

Is it just me, or has Celine Dion become the secular world's Jan Crouch?

http://www.cnn.com/video/
(To see the video, scroll down to the bottom right hand corner, and under Best of TV, select Celine Dion. It's worth it).

I am for the Revolution

I am for the Revolution. After checking it out to suck into my savory slime of super sucker sleazy satire I found that I am for the Revolution. If Jim Bakkers physical and spiritual offspring results in changing the face of Christianity to look more like Dara than Tammy, I am all for it.

Dara, please go forth into the bowls of New York, seek out CBGB's and enjoy it's last days. Meet the punks on the street that will give up a few tricks to get to their next hit just like Joey, Iggy, and all the original punks did. Not one gave a damn about them, but you can. This is not sarcasm or satire. Well, the satire of the Dara look up against the concept of John and Jane Smith getting married on Saturday at the First Church of Stupid People with their frat and sorority brothers and sisters walk them down the aisle as Pastor Hard On anxiously awaits them to send them out into their fantasy evangelical life together, may be a little satirical in the scheme of things. But. And everyone has a big but. But, you Dara, are hopefully the new look of Evangelical Chrisitanity. You Dara are hopefully not the Punk for Jesus that I ran into in the early eighties only to see them take off their Jesus smile after they found out it was no more of a fad than playing with the "Go Go My Walking Pup" toy their parents gave them only a couple of years before they heard there first goth Go Go's Album. No, Dara, I hope you are the new face of Evangelicalism in America. I really do.

Tell Jimmy hi. And remind him that we all have our price. We are all just one copy away from working at Kinko's.

Battle On, Every Man

Everyman's Battle with the Fact that Not Everyman Has the Same Battle
Everyman's Battle with Having Parents That Used to Not Allow Them to Go to Movies Turned Reformed and Now Go to Movies
Everyman's Battle with Having Parents That Used to Not Drink Wine Turn Reformed and Now Drink Wine
Everyman's Battle with Ants
Everyman's Battle with Weeds
Everyman's Battle with His Wife Not Wanting as Much Sex as He Does
Everyman's Battle with His Wife Wanting Too Much Sex
Everyman's Battle with Talking With His Wife Enough Before Having Sex, and then Falling Asleep Before It Actually Happens
Everyman's Battle with Not Having Good Enough Prayer Requests at the Friday Morning Accountability Group
Everyman's Battle with Not Having Henri Nouwen as his Favorite Author
Everyman's Battle with Preferring to Write Every Man's Batttle Stuff Rather than Get in Early to Work
Everyman's Battle with Too Many Evangelical Self Help Books
Everyman's Battle with Telemundo
Everyman's Battle with Sabado Gigante
Everyman's Battle with Muchas Chicas
Everyman's Battle with Having a Daughter that at times seems more responsible than himself
Everyman's Battle with The New Two Service Format where the New Service isn't really New At all, but it is treated like it is a new invention and Everyone Really Knows that Ron Will Still Be Leading Music Anyways
Everyman's Battle with Budgets
Everyman's Battle with Not Having Attended A Crown Ministries Seminar
Everyman's Battle with Homeschooling
Everyman's Battle with Thinking That Anglicanism or at Least RC Sproulism would be a better tack, but feeling stuck because the kids and youth ministries are so darn good
Everyman's Battle with Evangelical Topical Sermons
Everyman's Battle with Keyboard Based Worship
Everyman's Battle with Not Having Guitar Based Worship
Everyman's Battle with Not Feeling Like Worshiping
Everyman's Battle with Knowing That its Not About How you Feel
Everyman's Battle with Assuming that Mac is Way Better than PC's But Not Really Knowing Why
Everyman's Battle with Knowing That you Can't Just Rely on Cynical Reactions to Everything and that At Some Point, you Need to Move Beyond Observational Humor and you SHould Actually Have some Substance in your Life
Everyman's Battle With being comfortable with discussing theology but not having the ability to discuss how God has changed your life
Everyman's Battle with having a testimony that is really boring, and when your campus crusdade leader makes you write out your testimony to share on Tuesday night, you end up making up a fake period in your life where you backslid from your 5 year old confession of faith and then rededicated your life at a high school event and then slipped away until college when your campus crusade leader called you everyday and there was no longer any room to backslide because you were too busy answering the phone and going to campus crusade events.
Everyman's Battle with not signing up for the men's retreat
Everyman's Battle with wireless networking
Everyman's Battle with Victoria and her Secret
Everyman's Battle with the Banjo
Everyman's Battle with Leading a Lighthouse Group but Feeling Like All the Church Staff cares about is that you report at least 12 people in attendance so that the Church can claim to be a Dynamic, Growth Oriented Emergent Church
Everyman's battel with having some people leave your lighthouse group and then turn up in the Senior Pastor's lighthouse group after they told you they had another "bible study" on Sunday Nights, and then worrying that they told the Senior Pastor that you were talkinig about weird stuff in your lighthouse group and that you strayed from the topic in the printed outline.
Everyman's Battle with the "Women of Faith" Conferences
Everyman's Battle with Promisekeepers
Everyman's Battle with Thinking the Man Who Divorced His Wife that Was Camping OUt in Front of President Bush's Crawford Ranch Was Probably Right to Divorce her Even Though Conventional Wisdom States that Divorce is Wrong
Everyman's Battle with his Blackberry and Bluetooth Compatible Headset

Thats all I have to say about that.

More Battles for Everyman

Everyman's Battle with Not Having a Proverbs 31 Woman.
Everyman's Battle with Having a Proverbs 31 Woman.
Everyman's Battle with not having a Woman at all.
Everyman's Battle with not wanting a Woman at all.
Everymans Man Battle
Everymans Wo-man
Everymans Guide to Moving from Underroos to Boxers
Everymans Guide to Tighty Whities
Everymans Guide to Struggling against being All Things to All Men
Everyman's Struggle With Metrosexuality
Everyman's Guide to Understanding Roman's.
Everyman's Battle against Flanalgraphiostiosis
Everyman's Battle with Shrinkage
Everyman's Battle with thinking that shows like Jackass are really funny but none of his uptight Evangelical friends will admit they like them too.
Everyman's Struggle with not having a purpose driven life.
Everyman's Struggle with going to work only to find out that his boss and bosse's bosse's wives are making them read Purpose Driven Life
Everyman's Struggle with not knowing which direction to hand another brick.
Everyman's Struggle with the phrase "Joy is a 4 Letter Word"
Everman's Struggle with 4 letter Word's"
Everyman's Struggle with an old earth and the fact that God could use his relative time to create the universe in 1 billion years without having to give in to the concept of Human Evolution.
Everyman's Battle with Book of Lists while sitting on the throne.
Everyman's Battle with Househould Chores
Everyman's Battle with drinking a beer with the buddies but when mom and dad come over he quickly walks outside and dumps his beer in the trash then runs in and acts as if he was pulling weeds. Or something like that.
Everyman's Battle with having fellow Evangelical Friends that do not have an Everyman's Battle with Woman because they are not attracted with Woman.
Everyman's Battle with Turning 40.
Everyman's Battle with Turning 50.
Everyman's Battle with Picking His nose without the other drivers stuck on the morning westbound 22 noticing him.
Everyman's Battle with wanting to keep writing more and more everyman's battle satire but his wife want's him to put his 4 year old son to bed or else she will create a very special battle for him to battle with.

Every Man's....Whatever

With the success of the Steve Arterburn (With Kenny Luck's) "Everyman's Battle" Franchise, we at Swirlypine thought it would be a good time to start one of those hyperbole things where you just substitute silly words for "Battle" and eventually it becomes funny. So, let me just prime the pump a little bit, and then, all you carpet cleaners, let the comments roll...

Every man's financial battle
Every man's exercise battle
Every man's caffeine battle
Every man's Atkins diet
Every man's Guide to Tropical Fruit
Every man's Guide to Every man's battle
Every man's Battlestar Gallactica
Every man's Battle Hymn of the Republic
Every man's Battalion
Every man's everything
Every man's guide to writing christian franchise books
Every man's guide to reformed theology
Every man's battle with reformed theology
Every man's struggle with the emergent church
Every man's book of christian jokes
Every man's guide to Campus Crusade for Christ
Every man's battle with their wives
Every man's Bottle
Every man's Buckle
Every man's Coconut
Every man's Guide to Dispensationalism
Every man's Guide to Hugh Ross's Old Earth Theory
Every man's Battle with TBN

And, for our troops over seas, just plain old:

Every man's battle, except that this battle is really only for the guys who joined the armed forces, hey watch out for that literal instead of figurative bullet coming at your head, soldier boy.

Juxtapsition of Ministries

Looking for a Good Church?
_____________________________________________________________________________

If you are confused about where to go to church, don't worry. You are not alone. There are so many different churches out there, gosh, how are you supposed to pick one? Some of the newest and exciting churches are: Megaphone churches, Emegent-cy Churches, Purposeful Driven Churches, Rock Churches (Harbor, Hills or just plain Rock); Some old favorite churches are Presbyterian Churches, The Crystal Cathedral, Vineyard Churches, Hopscotch Churches (or maybe it was foursquare, more research required, but either way, it sounds like a fun church); Englican Churches and The Druids.

In case you want to switch, or are just a little confused about which church is best for you, Swirlypine's research team is going to list some of the features of the best churches to help you decide. Who knows, you may even want to go to a different one each week! This weeks featured churches are "Revolution" by Jay Bakker (son of James Swaggart and Tamy Faye Fallwell) and The Englicans, who are from England and dress up funny.

Revolution meets at a night club called Masquerade, and their staff bios are so cool. They all list what bands they are into. Righteous! I don't think they have any doctrine, so it shouldn't be hard to join. They have tattoos and stuff, and seem real edgy. Check them out at http://www.vivalarevolution.org/news.htm to see some of their upcoming shows. The pastor smokes the cigar and can say the word "ass" on his website. I am sure he means it in the biblical sense. One of their upcoming shows is "Sitting on your Grace" Look out, R. C. Spradley, looks like he's goin' after all you stuffy reformed folks. Ha, ha, all in good fun. There's room for everyone in American Christianity, right?

The Englicans are also cool, because they are the only true church because they have all these rituals that only they can do and they have alot of old books and stuff, like Synods, Perishes, and Important Documents. They can say they are "Catholic" but not really Catholic, which is great. They also have the Apollo's Order (you didn't know they were involved withy NASA, I bet), Orthodox Worship and Evangelical Witness. They are also very unique, not to be confused with the Anglican Church OF America. They are The Anglican Church IN America. There's a huge difference between "OF" and "IN" and let me tell you, they will talk about it till they are blue in the face. Thats what all those Synods are for. They also say that Church Traditions are as fun as the Bible. I think they have the Bible still, but they have added a bunch of other books that are better, like "The Book of Common Prayer".

Anyway, we have saved you the trouble by compiling all the important facts and data right here in one convenient location. Maybe you could even go to "The Revolution" on Saturday night and St. Michaels Englican Church of England on Sunday morning? Would that be a kick?

JAY BAKKER'S "REVOLUTION"



church name: "Revolution"
ministry synopsis: "We're Cool"
Key Doctrinal Statement : Religion kills
Leadership: Jay Bakker, Son of Jim & Tammy Faye
Req'd ministry credentials: Must like the right bands
Church origin: Tattoos and Goth Rock
okay to smoke cigars?: Yes
Tattoos?: Yes
Piercings?: Yes
Next big event: Open Door Festival, Sherwood, AK
Current Hymnal: We don't have one, religion is evil



ANGLICAN CHURCH IN AMERICA



Church name: Anglican Church IN America (Not OF America)
Ministry synopsis: "We Haven't Changed"
Key Doctrinal Statement: Chicago/Lambeth Quadrilateral, 1888
Leadership: Archbishop Louis Falk, Primate of the ACA
Req'd ministry credentials: Be Orthodox
Church origin: The Affirmation of St Louis (1977)
Okay to smoke cigars?: Yes
Tattoos?: No
Piercings?: No
Next big event : Trienial National Synod
Current hymnal: 1940

Real Stories From Hurricane Katrina

While reading about the tragedy unfolding along the country's gulf coast, one of Swirleypine's editors ran accross a story on an entertainment newsite that will go unnamed. It is presented here as another release from the Unassociated Press, very slightly edited to exaggerate the silliness of its content:

The Unassociated Press
9/1/05 5:17 PM

Hurricane Katrina's assault on the Big Easy is having repercussions in Hollywood.

The aftermath of the devastating storm that authorities fear left thousands dead, flooded more than 80 percent of downtown New Orleans, and ravaged the Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama basins, has caused several productions in the region to shut down.

Two Disney films were forced to evacuate New Orleans before the hurricane made landfall: Déjà Vu, starring Denzel Washington, and The Guardian, with Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher. The Los Angeles Times reports that the studio hired a charter jet Saturday and flew 70 crew members out of the city and back to Los Angeles before the monster storm slammed into the Gulf coast. Kevin and Ashton are reported to be resting comfortably in their Hollywood Hills and Malibu homes, respectively.

Another film pulling up stakes was Warner Bros.' horror thriller The Reaping, which stars Hilary Swank as a myth debunker investigating signs of the 10 plagues. Little did the two-time Oscar winner know she was about to encounter a natural disaster of biblical proportions.

A studio rep said the cast and crew for the Joel Silver-produced film caught a flight from Baton Rouge to the relative safety of Houston, Texas. Ms. Swank and the crew are reported to be finding relief with other refugees in the Huston Astrodome, and are holed up in the luxury box of the owner of the Huston Texans. While Katrina wreaked havoc on the production schedule, filmmakers are ready to return to Baton Rouge and resume shooting next week--that is, if the basic infrastructure, power, car rentals, clean roads, capuccino production, etc., is back up and running.

"We're anticipating resuming production Tuesday, after the Labor Day holiday. The crew is expected to return to the Baton Rouge location tomorrow," said Warners publicist Stacy Ivers.

Earlier reports that the hurricane washed out some sets there, causing minor damage, were unconfirmed.

Warners and Disney aren't the only one placing a call to their insurance company. The producers of The Last Time, a comedy-drama costarring Michael Keaton and Brendan Fraser, suspended production immediately once mandatory evacuation orders were issued Sunday by New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin.

"While the production has incurred some extra expense as a result of the delay caused by the continuing executive order preventing us from reentering New Orleans, more importantly, we are happy that our cast and crew are safe," says a statement from producer Adam Rosenfelt, president of Element Films, the company overseeing production. Rosenfelt says he hopes to start filming again as soon as possible.